Befriend Your Body: Disassociation
Hello, loves! I'm excited to share more about my embodiment journey and exploration of self-image, body image, and self-love. My journey to fully owning, embodying, and loving myself, my body, and everything else began when I recognized a hard truth: I had been disassociating from my body as a coping mechanism and way of protecting myself ever since I was a little girl.
What started as a way of protection from abuse in my childhood grew into so much more...
As a kiddo, I disassociated as a way to protect myself from the physical, mental, and emotional harm I was experiencing. I quickly learned it was safest for me to get out of my body. To hide away, close my eyes and drift away. This patterning became a coping mechanism and habit that followed me well into my 20s. It took on many different forms: substance abuse, eating disorders, overspending, pretending to be someone else… the list goes on.
Some clear signs of disassociation look like:
high pain tolerance
trouble remembering personal life details
intense/rapid mood swings
substance abuse
feeling detached from self/emotions/physical body
In my 20s I was working a corporate job, making great money, had a fancy car, a hot boyfriend, cool friends, and was quickly moving up the corporate ladder. I was doing exactly what I was "supposed" to be doing. What I had been taught to do, trained to do. I was a badass successful, "going somewhere" woman, but deep down, my body and spirit knew something was off. I was doing these things in the hopes that I would receive love and approval, to finally feel safe in a world that had been so violent and scary for me for so long. I look back and realize now, that in no way was I doing these things because they were what I was really desiring for myself. At that point in my life, I had no idea who I was or what I desired because I was moving from a place of survival - my trauma self was guiding my every move. Instead of noticing the subtle aching inside of my body, I chose drinking, drugging, and partying to fill my free time - taking me even further away from my body, my soul, and my authentic truth.
Eventually, my habit and coping mechanism of dissociation and numbing had become such an important part of my life and identity that I made a business out of it. Creating a perfect storm, an excuse, to ignore myself, my soul, my truth, and my deepest desires. I had created a disassociation, disconnection, and soul-sucking vortex of unfulfilled misery for myself, but I wasn't quite ready to look at it yet. To be honest with y'all, at this point, I was full-on addicted to ignoring myself, my soul, my body, and my mind. I told myself "It's okay because it's my business to drink and party, to live this way."
Ultimately, my learned coping mechanism of dissociation was blocking me from what truly matters: my Self, my body's wisdom, my connection to myself, and to my inner consciousness. The way that I was trashing my body reflected how I felt about myself internally.
Oftentimes, along our journey and returning home to our soul's truth, we must traverse the depths. As the goddess, Kali Ma reminds us: sometimes the path to heaven is paved by walking through hell. Our deepest pain and suffering often shows us the exact things necessary for our growth. When we allow ourselves to trust in the process, to shed what is NOT us, we can begin to see that truth of who we really came here to BE.
On my journey, coming home to my body was paramount. It was one of the first major steps on my path to embodied self-love, spiritual development, and allowing my truth and deepest desires to unfold. There is no “right” way or one way to coming home and loving yourself, your body, and your life. As always, meet yourself where you’re at, invite curiosity, seek support, ask for help, take time to be present with yourself and remember - you are the one who knows you best - you just may need to shed a few things that are holding you back in the process.
Practices for coming back into your body:
Ground your feet on the earth
Engage your senses
Exercise
Therapy/Alternative Healing Modalities/Working with a trauma-informed support team
Be more kind and gentle with yourself
I share my experience with disassociation because it's a key to where MY journey of embodied self-love and worthiness all began. Our journey begins the moment we allow ourselves to see the truth of how we are causing our own pain and suffering. Through this awareness, we can create an opportunity for growth and awakening to self-knowing.
You being here, right now, you are creating a new opportunity to know and love yourself. Thank you. Before you move on to something else, I invite you to sit, listen and allow your inner being a moment to take this in. See what resonates, leave the rest and maybe, a new insight comes through.