Alone, never lonely.
I was recently in Florida for a dear friend’s bachelorette. I love her endlessly, but the location felt... suspect. We were staying in a place called Baytowne Wharf, a small, high-end community of beach houses, shops, and restaurants. To me it felt less like a community and more like an amusement park. Everything there is fake. It’s all plastic and neon and high-tech and open containers. You can hear the sound of electricity. It’s impressive in a Disneyland kind of way, but it’s completely out of sync with what I’ve come to know as the real world. Adding to the air of unreality, Baytowne is right down the road from where they filmed The Truman Show.
“It’s a perfect little community; it's got everything you could ever possibly need!” My friend chirped.
But the phrase that kept running through my head was, “Welcome to the Matrix where you pay to play. Exchange your energy to forget who you are and become disconnected from true reality.”
In Baytowne, the living plants are all potted, disconnected from the mycelium network. Nature herself is stifled, manicured into submission. Over much of the property, the sound of birds is noticeably absent. Trust me, it’s pretty fun to drive a golf cart around and relax on the beach, but still: the energetics of this ‘community’ are all the way off. I could feel it, insidious inside my body. While I was there, my frequency felt like scrambled eggs—all over the place, frenetic, and disconnected from my truest vibrational energy.
Most people leave on Sunday, but that night I was still there, ready to leave in the morning. Without the surge of vacationers, all the houses are empty, and the land feels sad. Yet, even in this bizarre and isolating place, I felt alone without feeling lonely at all. Instead I felt at peace, ready for the unfolding.
LONELINESS IS A MESSENGER
This has not always been my experience. I began to recognize my inner loneliness at 27, right around my Saturn Return. I felt lonely, even though I was never alone. I was constantly surrounded by people, yet I felt no one could see me, no one understood me. I began asking myself, “Are these people really my friends? Do they actually care about me in a meaningful way? Or do they just like me because I bring good energy to a gathering?” These kinds of questions are a critical sign of spiritual awakening! Nothing feels ‘right’ anymore.
So, I chose to learn how to be alone, to lean into these new feelings. My loneliness was a wake-up call. I didn’t know who I was, and I realized that I had been seeking her in places where she was not actually being reflected. In my solitude, I began to recognize a deep desire for external validation that I had been carrying since childhood. I decided it was time to get really honest with myself so I could truly understand and know myself.
It is so important for us to know our own resonance and frequency; to attune to vibrational energy we carry; to learn, love, accept, and respect our truest essence. Feelings of loneliness are a beacon that brings us deeper into knowledge, love, and acceptance of ourselves! On the other side of loneliness is a deep and powerful love that is cultivated through time alone with self. Loneliness is a messenger that we are missing this self-love. We feel these feelings because there’s magic on the other side.
THE LAWS OF SELF-ATTRACTION
These days, I love my own company. I know when I need time with myself. One evening during the bachelorette, I was sitting with the girls and I noticed I had hit my capacity. I gracefully shared with my friends that I needed to take some alone time on the porch. I excused myself for some time away from the group. Often, we worry about what our friends or family members may say or think about our need for space, or over-identify with their desire to do things together. But the truth is we are always able to show up better when we have taken the time to fill our own cup. When we meet our needs, we can better serve those around us and the greater good of humanity.
That night on the porch, I had the most epic moment of self love I have yet to experience. I said things to myself that I’ve long wished a lover would say to me. I fell so deeply in love with myself. The dialogue I have with myself is not necessarily a spoken conversation any more. Sometimes I use loving words, but there is also self-love in the way I move or touch myself, or the time I take to prioritize a walk. I’m so in love with my body, even the parts I was poking at in the mirror just a few short years ago. I have created this relationship with myself, moment by moment, spending some much-needed time alone.
And trust me, these little moments add up! By allowing yourself to be alone, your relationship and connection to your vibrational frequency becomes stronger. You increase your ability to reach out from your own radius, interacting with others in a way that is more loving and supportive. Because of the love you’re creating within and returning to yourself, you begin to pull in others who will match or exceed that level of love! We are always attracting the people and experiences that are vibrating at the same frequency we are. When we know ourselves, we allow more of our depth, our beauty, our essence, and our radiance to be truly fucking seen and thus reflected back to us.
GO WITH THE FLOW
On my path through this nomadic experience, I feel alone in a new way. I am not lonely on the road or in the world as I had felt previously. In fact, I feel more SEEN than ever! Even in my ‘aloneness,’ I am meeting some of the most amazing, kind, loving, and open people. My being ‘alone’ is actually helping me to attract a higher caliber of people, and experiences because I am so clear in my frequency. Our ability to find joy and love in our ‘aloneness’ can magnetize us to more and more of what truly resonates with us in ways we couldn’t have even predicted.
I’ve been through so much, and there have been so many different iterations of me. Some are less flattering to look at, some still very tender, and others are fading away into the distance. I love every layer, for they all culminate into who I am today. I realize now that all of my time in this deep practice of being alone has allowed me to live my life more freely. This level of freedom is absolutely WILD! It’s expansive AF, and at the same time I am bumping up against some of my most uncomfortable edges.
There’s something about this chapter of my nomadic life: I’m hitting the longest period of time I’ve ever traveled continuously. It feels so right and so good, AND there’s a new level of intensity, embodiment, and trust that I am being invited to step into. I’m running into an otherwise innocent line of questioning: “Where are you living? What are you doing?” Everyone wants to know WHY I am living this way. For some, it may seem that there is no ‘purpose’ to living nomadically.
Their questions remind me that external influences can sometimes try to knock us from our own internal knowing. What I know, deep within me, is that I have been called to live this journey. Living life nomadically is what feels so juicy and so right for my soul in this unique moment—and each moment has something new to offer me. There is no other reason than that Spirit has made the call, and I am choosing to answer Her with all that I have.
NOT KNOWING IS NORMAL
I choose to follow the little nudges from Spirit, the golden gumdrops, which at times can feel isolating. But over and over again, I am reminded that I am always in the right place and the right time. There is no judgement here, and I find myself humbled with gratitude for it all, allowing myself to be fully immersed in the present moment. Living life this way can be triggering, eye-opening, and confronting!
There have been days on this trip where I feel like I can't see ANYTHING, like I don’t know where I’m going or what the hell I am doing. On those days, I allow myself to sit with those feelings without making it MEAN anything about me. I remind myself that it’s all a part of this wild human journey through life.
Through years of learning to LOVE being alone with myself, I have finally learned to release my expectations of what ‘should’ be and surrender to the flow of where Spirit guides me. Now, I am redirecting my energy where I am called to go, rather than where I think I should go, and it has been such a bliss-filled up-level! No matter how you choose to live your life, so much can happen that you’re not expecting. It doesn’t matter how much you prepare: life can and will change. What matters most is how you handle and support yourself through that change.
Do you fight against it, forcing your idea of what is ‘right?’
Or do you allow yourself to feel into the change and surrender, trusting you have everything you need to gracefully move through it?
TRUST THE UNIVERSE KNOWS WHAT YOU NEED
Often, our setbacks are divine synchronicities from the Universe, bringing us exactly where we are meant to be. I still don’t have words for the beauty of sitting in resonance with myself. After five deep years of dedication and practice, I trust myself, my body, and my pure inner essence to lead me where I am meant to be without fighting it. I have fully surrendered to the flow of the Divine plan.
Sometimes it can be terrifying—like when the oil pan ripped off my car going 85 mph on the freeway. I was shocked and shaking, but as always, the Universe provides. The friend I called from the side of the road lives in a totally different city… yet she happened to be in that town visiting her mom, and she was able to pick me up and offer me a place to stay. The Universe is always conspiring in our favor, even in the moments we feel thrown to the wolves. These moments are golden opportunities for us to hold our frequency even in the face of challenge or adversity; they show us just how held and supported we are.
The Universe meets us at our vibrational frequency. So, if we meet changes and challenges with warped, distorted, or misaligned energy, then that is what we will be met with. When we can meet our challenges and changes by remaining connected to our truest, aligned, and connected energy, then we become a vibrational match to move through challenges with more love, acceptance, and grace. Meaning, our challenges become moments of Divine connection, to co-create more trust between our inner knowing and the collaborative nature of Universal intelligence.
I didn’t know that my soul deeply needed to spend that night in conversation with a loving and supportive Mother figure. But Spirit did.
Earlier that day, I had one of the most challenging and heart breaking conversations with my own mom. The Universe provided me an opportunity to connect with my friend's mother in a way I didn’t even realize I was craving. I couldn’t have planned that! That’s what Universal love and intelligence do: She will always pull some strings to give us exactly what we need. Thank you, Universe, for pulling that together for me! The cherry on top? My car only needed a quick fix that took 30 minutes the next morning, reminding me, yet again, that things are ALWAYS working out for the best case scenario!
SIGNS & SYNCHRONICITIES
So many of the things our human psyche has been trained to see as “bad” are actually the Universe working Her magic for us. On our last morning in Baytowne, my friend and I wound up locked out on the second-floor balcony. In the past, this would have become a panicked situation for me, especially after my friend began to react. As she was growing upset, I reminded myself out loud, “It’s clear that we’re meant to be here right now.” Saying those words aloud felt so right in my body, and I immediately dropped back into a calm and peaceful state. As we sat there waiting, hundreds of dragonflies, hundreds! rose up in flight all around us, soaking us in their medicine.
“So many of the things our human psyche has been trained to see as “bad” are actually the Universe working Her magic for us.”
Dragonfly medicine honors the power of transformation and change, asking us to take a close look at what is going on right in front of us. In ancient Egypt and many Native American traditions, the dragonfly is known as a symbol of resurrection, as well as the spirit of illusion.
We are called to pay close attention to the opportunities for growth being presented to us in every moment. Through our new awareness, we gain deeper insight, furthering our journey into maturity. The Universe is always conversing with us: our only job is to listen. We get to choose which channel we attune ourselves to. Each and everyone of us has a channel that is unique to us—one that comes in loud and clear. Through being alone with self, we begin to tune the dial, allowing us to hear our own unique signal.
Everything is always working out for the best case scenario. I fully believe this, and live embodied in my belief. My nervous system is so deeply anchored in this truth! Sometimes Spirit leads you where you can be held and loved and guided. Other times, She leads you where there is opportunity to grow.
A lot of this nomadic practice requires me to be fully surrendered and present in each moment, allowing things to unfold, following the little golden gumdrops as they are presented to me. I’m beginning to notice all of these connective synapses that call out, “Over here! Over here!” Each new thread guides me, in just the right time, (Divine time, if you will!) to exactly what I am meant to experience next.
FOLLOW THE FIREFLIES
Have you ever seen a firefly?
They are weird little bugs—and where there is one, there are many. They attract one another, falling into a hypnotic dance. Fireflies are absolutely beautiful… and FUN! They hover in the air, creating their own rhythm, their own beacon. Flashing light, no light. On and off. Blinking together in harmony, like synapses firing, just as magical as the stars in the sky. Sometimes you see a solo firefly drifting through the evening, sending out its signal, trusting that its own rhythm will fall into just the right harmony, exactly as it is meant to be.
Fireflies have a special place in my heart. They transport me back to my childhood, remembering the first signs of summer. The happiest memories of my Mom and Grandma are of all three of us eating berries and cream on the back porch, mesmerized by the dance of the fireflies as dusk settled in. Before long, they were the only light floating gently across the night sky.
On my epic nomadic journey, I saw fireflies for the first time in years when I hit Kentucky. It felt like a homecoming. They’re slowly starting to face across the southeast, but the final few are still shining their light, holding the unique beat of summer. They show us that the season of light isn’t quite over yet. As their light dwindles, the dragonflies appear, so much fatter and juicier than they’ve been before. They are now embodied in their maturity, honoring the season of harvest, reminding us that there is more to be seen, learned, gathered, and embodied after a season of dancing with firefly medicine.
To be an effective dancer in the dance of life, you must recognize where your energy is leaking so you can remain focused on your own unique course. When you follow that beacon within, your brightest, guiding light, your path lights up before you like a train of fireflies. Your own light pulls in all that you need in order to go exactly where you have always been meant to be going.
There have been so many miracles and blessed souls that have lighted the way along my journey—men and women, near and far. I am grateful for them all. They have taught me to trust that what’s meant for me will always gravitate toward me without forcing anything. After all, the more present you are, the more deeply you know yourself, the brighter your light shines. The brighter your light, the better others can see the true you and meet you in that space. You already have all that you need within you, darling. Though you may be alone, you are never lonely when you are guided by the soul-led light of your purest, most loving, inner company. ▲